It’s so hard when you’ve thought of a great reply to something that’s way over already, that leaves you wishing you’d go back in time, say it, then hope that the fate might change.
I lost control and I crashed out in front of someone I love. I shouldn’t have, but I gave in to the feelings that’s been building up for weeks already. It’s so hard to open yourself and expose your vulnerabilities to someone who isn’t willing to do the same. It leaves you hanging, neglected, inadequate. And asking for it just seems forced. And it was — I didn’t even get what I was hoping to get from them, but it definitely felt forced.
It physically hurts when you’ve shown to the person that you’re willing to move the heavens, earth, and ocean for them, only for it to end up in vain because their priorities doesn’t match yours.
I ended up deciding to cut her off. I never wanted to. I wanted to persevere for her. But I had to. There’s just this feeling in my gut that tells me I shouldn’t force somthing that couldn’t be. That is, us being happily together. And forcing it will just result to something loathsome.
I hope she knows how sincere I am when I said I loved her, and that I’ve tried my best, even if it’s just virtual. This set up was not my first rodeo — I had my first long distance before and it failed miserably with me begging for the person to come back.
Should I have just said, “I don’t want to cut you off nor just end up with us being friends. I want us to work, to be together, officially.”?
I don’t know. I hope I did. But one thing is for sure though: l’esprit de l’escalier.